Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Post Commission Syndrome

Bismillah

I rarely share any photos in here
I'm sorry because not that I don't want to share
It's just I always update this blog through different PC
So, bear with me


It's been 16 days since I've been commissioned as 2nd Lieutenant
Or in another word is Leftenan Muda PSSTUDM 
After 13 days of trainings, I was the 38th Batch to be commissioned
This year, we were commissioned by HRH Crown Prince of Johor, Major General Tunku Ismail Ibni Sultan Ibrahim
I am beyond thankful to ALLAH
As our days of training have been so cloudy, rainy and not-so-sunny
Even the day of commissioning, the weather was very calming
And not to lie, I was crying when HRH Crown Prince of Johor mentioned that he commissioning us as Pegawai in ATM (Angkatan Tentera Malaysia)


I'm in no place to be proud of myself if it wasn't people around me that has always been there for me
First and foremost, HIM and my family
Even there's time Mr Ayahumi questioning me about the training and what can I do after I graduate
Well, I thank HIM so much that some of my plans wasn't going to drain
There's some, but yeah
Why should we focus on negative things that we couldn't change?


And now, here I am
Listening to Linkin Park radio in Spotify
Because I felt quite down lately
Apart from my PMS, now that I'm clean yet I still feel this feeling
Helpless, unknowingly missing something and someone, and I just wanna cry myself out


I miss those training days where I have no time to feel this kind of feelings
Where I used to laugh with my squad who loves to make fun of each other
But with no hard feelings, we laughed at each others' stupid jokes
Done with training, and sometimes this kind of feeling surrounds me
Suffocating me with the indescribable feeling


Perhaps when I signed up to be a part of ATM
I'm actually paving the way to unfold myself
To be vulnerable yet indestructible
To be someone that looks tough
But deep inside, fragile and was made of glass all the way through
Maybe that was the side effects after been training like some kind of animal
Heartless, savage, and violent
To cover that we all are delicate, needed attention and care
And mostly, need to be loved


I'm sorry this entry became too emotional
Because I'm at the state of confusion
I'm excited and missed my training days very dearly
But all I feel right now is alone in crowd
With Linkin Park's songs in my ear
I feel the world doesn't agree with me
But I don't really care
I just want to live, day by day
Because I'm too tired to live helpless like this
I just want to rest


That's it
Ampun maaf dunia akhirat
I'm sorry

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