Tuesday, August 20, 2019

Post Commission Syndrome


I rarely share any photos in here
I'm sorry because not that I don't want to share
It's just I always update this blog through different PC
So, bear with me

It's been 16 days since I've been commissioned as 2nd Lieutenant
Or in another word is Leftenan Muda PSSTUDM 
After 13 days of trainings, I was the 38th Batch to be commissioned
This year, we were commissioned by HRH Crown Prince of Johor, Major General Tunku Ismail Ibni Sultan Ibrahim
I am beyond thankful to ALLAH
As our days of training have been so cloudy, rainy and not-so-sunny
Even the day of commissioning, the weather was very calming
And not to lie, I was crying when HRH Crown Prince of Johor mentioned that he commissioning us as Pegawai in ATM (Angkatan Tentera Malaysia)

I'm in no place to be proud of myself if it wasn't people around me that has always been there for me
First and foremost, HIM and my family
Even there's time Mr Ayahumi questioning me about the training and what can I do after I graduate
Well, I thank HIM so much that some of my plans wasn't going to drain
There's some, but yeah
Why should we focus on negative things that we couldn't change?

And now, here I am
Listening to Linkin Park radio in Spotify
Because I felt quite down lately
Apart from my PMS, now that I'm clean yet I still feel this feeling
Helpless, unknowingly missing something and someone, and I just wanna cry myself out

I miss those training days where I have no time to feel this kind of feelings
Where I used to laugh with my squad who loves to make fun of each other
But with no hard feelings, we laughed at each others' stupid jokes
Done with training, and sometimes this kind of feeling surrounds me
Suffocating me with the indescribable feeling

Perhaps when I signed up to be a part of ATM
I'm actually paving the way to unfold myself
To be vulnerable yet indestructible
To be someone that looks tough
But deep inside, fragile and was made of glass all the way through
Maybe that was the side effects after been training like some kind of animal
Heartless, savage, and violent
To cover that we all are delicate, needed attention and care
And mostly, need to be loved

I'm sorry this entry became too emotional
Because I'm at the state of confusion
I'm excited and missed my training days very dearly
But all I feel right now is alone in crowd
With Linkin Park's songs in my ear
I feel the world doesn't agree with me
But I don't really care
I just want to live, day by day
Because I'm too tired to live helpless like this
I just want to rest

That's it
Ampun maaf dunia akhirat
I'm sorry

Friday, July 19, 2019

Soon To Be ...


In few days, I won't be here
I mean, I'll join the training
For commissioning after three years being cadet officer
I am so excited yet so nervous
There's so many things I've been thinking lately
Regarding this event and almost everything

Being a cadet officer was my very own decision
Well, people said, "to be or not to be"
You choose, right?
So I chose to be a cadet officer not long after I entered university
Actually I was tempted by the allowance that they promised
Ka-ching! Ka-ching! Ka-ching baby!
Little did I know, bloods, sweats and tears are the foundation of that "ka-ching"
Also, I were too lazy to join any other extra co-curricular activities in order to fight for college residence like thousands of students in my university
I don't mind the distance of my college that absurdly far from my faculty
As long as it was walking distance to shopping mall nearby
And if you imagine I'm spending my weekend by hanging out with my friends at that particular shopping mall
You are not wrong, but partly, yes

I spent my weekends very well
With waking up as early as 0430H in the morning
Getting ready in line before our seniors does
Getting punishments for something that too small for normal people to care
God! I swear, during that time, it was really hell
I hated everyone and whatever they did
I told myself that they are so wrong in so many levels
But some part of me, trying to calm me down
And keep on telling me, "this too shall pass", "one day you will miss all of this"
That's what keeping me going strong
I'd be lying if I said it was smooth journey all the way up until now
No, it was bumpy and very rocky road, I tell you
There's time, I almost gave myself up
Because from what I see, people never listen to me
Like I don't even exist

And there's my falling time
I were struggling to keep up with the rest of us
I personally really want to thank Nor Hafizah Busman for whatever she did when I was trying to get back after my failing moment
She was the on who accompanied me to that place
We were walking and with no umbrella, we just don't care
I almost lost my way but she was there
God bless her for whatever she did to me


to be continued


Wednesday, July 3, 2019


Tulisan hati yang sekian lama menangis
Mohon air matamu tidak menitis


kadang ada keraguan
kadang ada kerisauan
begitu juga kewalahan
dan juga kegelisahan

tapi apa kau tahu?
yup, alasan kau sama seperti dulu
"kau tak pernah nak bagitahu"
mari sini aku bagi kau tahu

aku tak mahu bebankan kau
saat aku bercerita mata kau melilau
kau bicara padaku, "jangan kacau"

kau buat aku terkelu
kau jerkah macamlah aku batu
lantas aku pilih untuk membisu
tanpa kau sedar, hatiku mula membatu

kutanamkan dalam minda
ku takkan sesakkan jiwa sesiapa
walaupun kau keluarga
kerana siapa mahu bertambah derita
dengan cerita yang menyemak telinga

bila sudah dewasa
kau bilang aku kurang ajar
kau kata kelak aku dibalas karma
aku senyum senget saja

kau sedang merasainya
kau saja yang tak sedar
karma kepadamu kerana menyisihkan aku
jadikan hatiku batu
buat lidahku kelu

tapi kau tak mahu tahu
kerana kau rasa karma hanya berlaku
pada yang sedang berlaku
bukan yang sudah berlalu
ah, sudahlah labu
sampai bila pun kau takkan restu
hanya kerana aku bukan kesayanganmu


Aku ingatka nak suruh seseorang nyanyikan
Dalam versi rap ke
Lepas tu intro tu boleh lah dimulakan dengan something like someone have been thinking for too long
Then as the ending, can someone recite doa untuk ibu bapa
Biar meremang sikit hehehehe
At the very end, someone whispers "I love you both, ma, pa" 

Ohemjiii aku excited gilaa
Tapi takde bakat untuk menyanyi huhu

Ampun maaf dunia akhirat

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

After A Year


Assalamualaikum dan Salam Aidilfitri 1440H
Sedar tak sedar dah setahun lebih aku tinggalkan dunia blogging
Bukan tak ada benda nak dibebelkan disini
Nak kata terlalu banyak kekangan, tak jugak
Senang cerita, terlalu banyak benda lain aku buat
Berbanding ranting kat sini

Second day interning during my degree year
People expect me to introduce myself to them all, is it?
I'm sorry, but no
First of all, you guys accepted me without letting your superior know about me?
And she was so clueless about me????
Like what the hell?
Secondly, this office was divided into few units and you are sitting there like a tortoise hiding his head inside his shell
My existence need to be acknowledged by someone whose have the power
I could but that's only in my mind lah

Typical Malay working in this sector
Arrived late, going back early
Spent an hour having breakfast at office's pantry
Fifteen minutes before lunch hour, you're already gone
And fifteen minutes after lunch hour passed, now I see you at your desk
Well, now I can obviously understand why some people so comfortable in this sector
Not all, but there's some

Gaji tetap masuk, kan?
No one to punish or deduct your salary when you're late
Dengan alasan, semua dah dewasa
But some adult need this kind of enforcement
Because they think the world revolves around them

Luckily I arrived so early today
I had my breakfast with my supervisor and one of the staff
It just 0740 in the morning and they already having breakfast in office's pantry

Yesterday, I was so sad because I was left on my own and nobody even cares to take me to lunch together
Yeah, I know, who am I kidding, right?
I'm just an intern that some of them wasn't expect
Diam-diam sudahlah
Mengkaji human behaviour at office is my new subject
Yeay! Boleh buat FYP tentang different kind of language used at the office
*tangan ke bahu, mata ke langit*

Aku bersyukur jugaklah aku seolah-olah ghaib dalam dunia selama aku kat pejabat ni
Dan aku juga bersyukur sebab aku punya Maxis Unlimited
Sekurang-kurangnya aku boleh online tanpa menggunakan internet pejabat yang memerlukan authentication blablabla
Pffttt... please laa jangan expect practical student ni nak approach orang
Student can be so shy, you know
You cannot blame a person who are not familiar with the environment
And expect them to blend in just like that

Okay, to whoever yang rasa aku bitter or tak outgoing
Terpulanglah, we are not in the same shoes
So it is really up to you
You are entitled to your own opinion
Because I had mine
And yeah, the world doesn't revolve around us
Just don't feel that what I'm saying is all about negative things
Some people really can see the positive side of what I was said

Sekian, ampun maaf zahir batin untuk luahan rasa yang mungkin mengusik jiwa
Kita semua manusia, jadi aku faham itu
Terima kasih kerana membaca

Friday, May 18, 2018

Ramadhan 1439H

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Selamat menunaikan rukun Islam yang ke-5 kepada seluruh umat Islam di dunia!
Ahlan wa sahlan ya Ramadhan
Kedatanganmu penuh berkat
Kehadiranmu penuh rahmat
Maka janganlah kita sia-siakan kedatangan Ramadhan kali ini

Syukur alhamdulillah, isu pilihan raya kian beransur
Dan semua rakyat Malaysia sangat terharu dan kagum dengan Tun M
Semalam DS Anwar Ibrahim pun dikeluarkan
Doaku semoga Malaysia terus aman, damai, harmoni, berkasih sayang dan bersatu padu
Aamiin ya Rabbal Alamin
**doa masa bulan puasa, inshaa ALLAH makbul

Ramadhan kali ini aku sambut di Kota Samarahan
Walaupun ada niat untuk merahsiakan keberadaan aku di bumi ini
But well, actually no one is looking for me
As if I'm the most wanted person lah konon
Nak rahsia-rahsia bagai
Actually I don't like share everything to the world
But since I'm no one, why not?
I mean, who even care about my existence?
CIA? NASA? **smirks*

Jadi, kadangkala berahsia itu kelihatan misteri
Dan juga mengundang sifat ingin tahu
Tetapi seringkali juga mendatangkan rasa jengkel
Seolah-olah aku ini insan yang paling dikenali
Tapi, kalau aku dikenali ramai
Pastilah data aku semuanya bergelimpangan di internet
Google nama aku, nah!
Emmm... Ada gambar aku lah... ><

Tapi itu untuk urusan P&P
Dan gambar aku tersebut proper je
Bukannya yang tidak-tidak
(Nauzubillah min zalik!)

Berbalik kepada tajuk diatas
Tahun lepas
Aku meraikan Ramadhan dengan younger sis di kediaman beliau
Still somewhere in Malaysia
But my parents didn't know about that
Because there's a thing that happened to me 
Which also they didn't know about that
So, do me a favour, please?
If you guys happened to know my parents
Please don't mention about last year to them
They know nothing about it!

It's not like I'm being such a rebellious child 
It's just, I don't want them to worry about me
They worried enough about my siblings and I while we were kids
And knowing that, I think I shouldn't let them worry anymore
Besides, we are all adults now
So, the choices is ours
Urmmm.. it depends actually
But, I'd prefer saying sorry instead of asking for permission
Just like what Datuk Ustaz Kazim Elias said in one of his ceramah

Ramadhan di Sarawak is a bless
Sungkai (or maybe sungkey?) lebih awal berbanding Semenanjung
Tapi sedikit lewat berbanding Sabah
Yang penting, I have what I want to eat 
Bazaar Ramadhan in such approachable distance
Tak macam tahun lepas
Which we had to go to the bazaar before 
Or else, you'll be breaking your fast in car later

Teringat kenangan kat bazaar Ramadhan tahun lepas
"lagi sepuluh menit, bukanya di sini"
Situasi tersebut berlaku disebabkan warga asing tersebut mengejar waktu berbuka
Dan kawannya masih sibuk mencari-cari makanan
Makanya temannya itu sebal!
*it's normal if you read it in Indonesian slang*
Aduiii... aku asyik sebut benda tu je kat adik aku lepas tu

Sebenarnya apa yang aku nak sampaikan?
Aku sendiri pun tak pasti
Ramadhan kali ni, aku berjaya terawih sendirian
Sebab aku bukan jenis manusia yang rajin ke surau
Makanya tiada masalah untuk terus beribadah meski tiada siapa tahu
Biarlah itu menjadi rahsia antara aku dan Tuhanku

Minggu depan aku punya satu paper
Paper ICT on 23rd May
And in few weeks time, I'll be home

Cukuplah rasanya aku membebel di bulan puasa ni
Sekian sahaja
Ampun maaf zahir batin andai tersalah kata terusik jiwa